Monday, September 10, 2012
No kids, thank you
Recently I was interviewed by Esther Lewis of the Cape Argus about my decision not to breed. For those of you who've asked, I've reproduced the piece here. If you're in the same boat as me, I'd love for you to leave a comment on my blog.
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GIVING birth to a child is something most women will do in their lifetime. But one Cape Town woman says it’s just not for her. Nerine Dorman, 34, married Thomas Dorman when she was 22. At the time, she thought she would wait until she was 28 to have children.
When the time came, she thought perhaps she’d be ready at 30. Thirty rolled around and still, she wasn’t ready. At this point, neither she nor her husband wanted children.
One of three children, Dorman was a “total surprise” when her mother discovered she was pregnant with her at 42. Her brother and sister have children, so there’s no pressure on Dorman to produce grandchildren.
“My mother kept telling me not to have children. She encouraged me to explore my music, writing and to travel,” she says.
Dorman works in the advertising industry, and writes and edits books. She also assists her husband who is a filmmaker and photographer. On weekends, the couple often leave at the crack of dawn for film shoots or other projects in remote locations, and return in the early hours of the next day.
She describes their lives as very chaotic, and adding a child into the mix would not work. Many parents argue that people who choose not to have children are “missing out”. “We sometimes discuss it. I do sometimes worry that I’m missing out. But people with children are also missing out,” says Dorman.
Watching her friends who have children, she sees what they go through. And it’s not for her. Many of her friends do not have time to do what they love any more, they don’t have time for themselves. After a hard day’s work, she loves being able to go home and enjoy down-time, writing or editing books.
While the sight of newborn, cuddly babies may be enough to rouse maternal instincts, it leaves Dorman feeling “weird”. Many friends her age are raising children, but the fact that she has no interest in doing so herself, has not had any effect on her friendships.
Her friends’ children adore her. She also has a three-year-old godson. “If anything happens to his mom, I’m fully prepared to take him in.”
One of the motivators for her not having children is the fact that she’s not in the financial position to provide that which she was given by her parents. She is adamant her choice is the right one. “It’s a difficult one, but I stand by my opinion that I’m not missing out.” – ESTHER LEWIS